Everything changes when you are in the middle of your divorce and your whole world is upside down.
You lived in a nice big house and now you have to move to a smaller house. You were used to good money and now you have to financially take a step back. You were used to raising your children together and now you have to do it on your own.
Your children were used to living with their father and mother and now they have 2 houses. They maybe even have a new stepmother or stepfather. Perhaps there is too much of a distance between the houses. And in the worst case, there is only 1 house because their parents are fighting and the children do not want or are not allowed to go to the other parent.
Not only is your life upside down but your children’s life is upside down too.
How to handle all this?
Let’s start to mention that for everybody involved, this whole process is a process of inner unsafety. What felt safe once isn’t safe anymore. You are not loyal to your ex-partner anymore and your ex-partner isn’t loyal to you anymore. . You are angry or upset about everything that happened and in the midst of your own emotional roller coaster, you have to be there for your children as well. I don’t have to tell you that this is too much, far too much.
How to do all this?
We give you 3 tips today:
1. Seek help. A divorce, especially with children involved, is a hell of a job.
You do not process a divorce overnight. A divorce is a process; it’s a learning process you have to cope with. It’s a process that keeps you busy for years. In the beginning, it consumes all of your time, energy and effort. As time passes this will become less and less. But it will just flare up every now and then (when your child marries or gets a baby…). This is life after a divorce.
Our best advice is to seek help from a coach, a therapist, an expert who can clarify for you what is going on in the undercurrent of the divorce process and what is going on in you personally. This must be an expert who isn’t enrolled in your drama. And preferably this expert will give you self-healing tools and self-healing insights so you can manage yourself on a day-to-day basis.
Why is that? The moment you recognize and acknowledge that you will have to do your own inner work you also need an effective self-healing tool to help you with that. That way you will not only learn to deal with your divorce but you will also grow personally and be able to take good care of your children. In the end this might even turn out to become the best time of your life.
2. Do your inner work and make the transition from Inner Unsafety to Inner Safety.
Even if you are in love with someone else, your divorce is a rollercoaster with lots of emotions. It’s the same for both partners. You have to mourn about a marriage that isn’t there anymore. You have to mourn about your children you don’t see as often as you like or are used to.
You will meet your Inner Unsafety in all shapes and sizes. We extensively talked about this in a previous blog post about ‘the 8 most important triggers of inner Unsafety that you never knew about’. Because of the fact that people don’t recognize these triggers as Inner Unsafety, people don’t act upon them in the right way. . In a divorce, the mother is angry at the father because of what this ‘bastard’ did to her and the father is angry at the mother because of what this ‘bitch’ did to him. And then they start to fight over the children.
Of course your emotional rollercoaster is about the fear, the anger, the loneliness… and about the right and wrong in your divorce. But in essence your emotional rollercoaster is really all about you feeling inwardly unsafe during this emotional upheaval. When you understand and acknowledge this you can act upon it.
3. It’s an art to separate as adults and to keep working together as parents
This is for the sake of the kids. Make a promise to yourself to be real about this. It’s not easy to separate as adults and to still keep working together as parents. And yet, this is the only way to go, to keep it inwardly safe for yourself and your children.
Your children didn’t choose this separation. They want you to stay together as parents, under all circumstances. They don’t want to choose between their father and their mother. Their loyalty stays with both.
So hold your horses and seek help and do your own inner work (make the transition from Inner Unsafety to Inner Safety) for the sake of yourself AND your children. Because the only thing your children want is that you are the holding space for their inner safety.